Ego States and Parts Work
Understanding what happens when different parts of you pull in opposite directions
You may know that it is time to set a boundary and find yourself saying yes once again. You may long for a relationship and then pull away just as someone begins to know you more deeply. You may feel competent at work, only for one criticism to make all your confidence collapse.
At these moments, it is easy to wonder: “If I know what would be good for me, why can’t I do it?”
Sometimes, the answer is not a lack of willpower, but the fact that different parts of you are trying to protect different needs. One wants to move forward, while another fears what might happen. One seeks closeness, while another remembers how painful it can be to trust. One would like to stop, while the part that has helped you achieve so much continues to demand more.
Parts work begins here: not by trying to eliminate the contradiction, but by listening to it and understanding what it means.
What are Ego States in psychotherapy?
In clinical practice, the term Ego States is used to describe different ways of feeling, thinking and responding that belong to the same person. The therapeutic exploration of these self-states is often referred to as Ego State work or parts work.
Talking about “parts” does not mean having separate personalities, nor does it necessarily imply a dissociative disorder. Everyone moves between different states of self.
There may be a part of you that knows how to manage difficulties, one that looks after other people, one that seeks approval, one that controls every detail and another that simply wants to stop having to be strong. Usually, we can move between these states while maintaining a sense of continuity.
Difficulties can arise when, in certain situations, one part takes over and makes what you know at other times less accessible. You may know that you are not in danger and still feel alarmed. You may know that criticism does not define your worth and experience it as confirmation that you are not good enough. You may want to say what you think, only to find that the words disappear when the moment comes.
You have not suddenly become a different person. A way of protecting yourself, with its own history and logic, has become active.
Why some parts continue to take over
Parts of the self do not develop in isolation. They take shape through experiences and relationships in which we learn what can be shown, what needs to be hidden and what we may need to do in order to preserve closeness, safety or recognition.
If making a mistake exposed you to judgement or humiliation, a critical part may have learned to anticipate every possible error. If your needs seemed to burden other people, you may have developed a highly self-reliant part, capable of managing everything without asking for help. If closeness was unpredictable, withdrawing first may have become the safest way to avoid being hurt.
Perfectionism, the need for control or the tendency to disconnect from your feelings may also have served a purpose. They may have helped you endure a difficult situation, maintain an important relationship or continue functioning when stopping did not feel possible.
This does not mean that every part develops through trauma. It means recognising that a response that limits you today may have developed for an understandable reason.
The difficulty arises when that response continues to be activated even though your circumstances have changed. The part that learned to protect you then may not yet recognise that you now have different possibilities, resources and relationships.
How parts work takes place in therapy
People often come to therapy saying: “I know it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t stop.” The work does not involve trying to persuade you with better arguments or replacing a negative voice with a positive one.
Instead, we try to slow down what usually happens too quickly.
We can observe what occurs just before you abandon a boundary, withdraw, begin to control everything or suddenly feel that you have no value. What emotion appears? What changes in your body? What consequence feels necessary to avoid?
Sometimes, a part expresses itself through very clear words. At other times, it appears as tension, numbness, confusion, sudden tiredness or a need to change the subject. My role is to help you recognise these shifts without forcing them or deciding in advance what they must mean.
The work may include therapeutic dialogue, imagery, attention to physical sensations and an exploration of what happens within the therapeutic relationship. You do not need to pretend that your parts are separate people. It is a language that allows us to approach aspects of experience that often come into action before they can be recognised and thought about.
We are not trying to establish which part is right. We seek to understand what each one fears, what it is protecting and what it might need in order not to respond in the same way every time.
When different parts appear in the therapeutic relationship
You may want to speak freely and notice that, even in therapy, you are trying to say the “right” thing. You may fear disappointing me, minimise what you feel or describe something painful without being able to access the emotions connected with it. One part of you may want to trust, while another remains watchful and holds back.
Within Relational Psychoanalysis, these moments are not treated as mistakes or obstacles. They show us, in the present, how trust, distance and the need for protection have become organised.
Together, we can observe what is happening between us, understand the protective responses and gradually discover whether the relationship can be experienced differently.
What happens too quickly outside therapy can be slowed down and noticed as it unfolds. Understanding then becomes more than an intellectual insight: it becomes a new experience that can also influence the way you live other relationships.
Ego States, trauma and EMDR
After a traumatic experience, the distance between some parts of the self may become more pronounced.
One part may want to face what happened, while another fears that remembering will mean being overwhelmed by it again. One part knows that the danger is over, while the body continues to respond as though it were still present. You may describe an experience with apparent detachment and then feel overtaken by an emotion that is difficult to connect with what you were saying.
In these situations, what appears to be resistance is not necessarily something to push past. It may be the way in which one part is trying to prevent the pain from becoming unbearable again.
When I integrate Ego State work into EMDR therapy, we also listen to these protective responses before approaching traumatic memories. We seek to understand what they fear, strengthen the resources available to you and develop sufficient internal cooperation.
This allows us to work with trauma more gradually, without asking any part of you to approach something before the conditions are in place to support it. Not every therapeutic process involving parts work leads to EMDR. I consider when it may be helpful according to your history, current difficulties and the stage of therapy.
When can parts work be helpful?
This approach may be useful if you recognise yourself in experiences such as these:
- one part of you continues to achieve, while another feels exhausted;
- you know what you want, but feel unable to choose when the moment comes;
- a critical or perfectionistic voice never allows you to feel good enough;
- you seek closeness and then feel the need to withdraw;
- caring for others comes easily, while recognising your own needs feels difficult;
- some emotional reactions feel more intense than the present situation would suggest;
- you move from feeling in control to feeling completely without resources;
- you understand a pattern clearly, but continue to repeat it;
- you feel ashamed of vulnerability, anger, needing help or wanting recognition;
- the effects of traumatic experiences make it difficult to feel genuinely safe.
You do not need to fit into a particular category. Sometimes, the starting point is simply the sense that, at certain moments, something inside you decides before you have the chance to choose.
Not becoming one single self, but feeling more connected to yourself
The aim is not to turn you into a perfectly consistent version of yourself. Having different needs, emotions and desires is not a defect to correct.
Change involves being able to remain connected with more than one aspect of yourself at the same time. You may begin to hear the critical part without treating everything it says as the truth. To protect yourself without having to disappear. To show vulnerability without losing contact with the resources you have today.
When a part no longer needs to shout, control or interrupt every experience in order to be heard, you can begin to recognise its message without allowing it to direct your entire life.
The aim is not to remove every inner conflict, but to develop greater freedom in how you understand it, respond to it and choose what happens next.
How I integrate Ego State work into my practice
Ego State work brings together three central areas of my clinical practice: Relational Psychoanalysis, trauma-focused psychotherapy and EMDR therapy.
I have undertaken specific training in Robin Shapiro’s approach to working with parts and continue to develop this aspect of my work through specialist clinical supervision. Over more than fifteen years of clinical experience as a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, I have learned that approaching vulnerable or protective parts requires a rigorous understanding of trauma, as well as patience, sensitivity and respect for each person’s pace.
I do not use the same exercise or technique with everyone. The work develops from what emerges within the therapeutic relationship and is shaped by your history, current resources and the stage of therapy.
I integrate Ego State and parts work into psychotherapy in London and online, in English and Italian. If you are considering starting therapy, you can find out more about how psychotherapy works or contact me.